We all need to be conscious of being the leading role.

Recently, I wrote novels without any clue. I have accumulated a lot of stories and plots in my mind, but I don’t know where to start. I couldn’t find the crux of the problem all the time, and my mood fell into depression. In addition to watching cartoons or watching movies every day, I don’t know whether it is really like looking for inspiration that I have been claiming, or killing time, or just a kind of escape. I have watched a lot of cartoons. I have watched the classic and non-classic ones recommended by anime fans, and I am never tired of it; I have watched many movies, one after another, and after watching this one, there is another movie, but I can’t remember what the last movie actually said. I have watched a lot. I have watched for a long time. I don’t know whether my eyes are blinded or my brain is lack of oxygen. There is always a feeling like a dream or a dream. Looking at everything familiar around me, I feel like a lifetime. This feeling scares me! It scares me! The more scared I am, the more afraid I am to face it. The more afraid I am to face it, the more eager I want to watch more cartoons and movies to escape and paralyze me! Let yourself live in a situation similar to ethereal. When looking back and forth for a movie that I thought was worth watching, I had seen the name of such a movie as “the beauty of law” for several times. To be honest, the score is not very high, I have no feeling, I have never seen it. I saw it today. The reason for watching it is very simple. I have almost watched many English movies that have been searched and recommended. Because of the need to improve the english level, I almost only watch American youth campus films and comedies. I will not make comments on how this film is. The speed of speaking is also faster, and I can’t hear clearly, which is not helpful to my English listening and speaking. In the whole film, I almost felt the most about one of the pictures, that is: when the protagonist ai er appeared among a large number of members of parliament wearing black suits in an eye-catching pink dress, the shock in my heart. There is no doubt that AI er is beautiful. The dazzling blonde hair, the figure of mioman and the fashionable dress all show the charm of women. She wore gorgeous clothes which were different from ordinary people, stepped on the catwalk, and walked confidently in a group of people who looked at her in surprise and watched her. That kind of confidence, that kind of calm, is the most intoxicating thing for me! At any time, the charm that takes oneself as the leading role, contacts and shows actively is the most touching! AI er’s beauty comes from the love for life and beauty itself! AI er loves all the beautiful things! Because of the love in her heart and the pursuit of beauty, her body exudes the brilliance that people like from the bottom of their hearts. Her pursuit of beauty is not blind or vanity, but cherished as a beauty enjoyment and owner! And I hope this beauty can be extended to everyone. I’m ashamed! My clothes, like what my mother said, are either white or black, which have the least sense of presence. There is almost no colorful dress. I always choose simple clothes, and try not to highlight the colors and styles. When I pick a notebook or a writing pen, I will subconsciously avoid the flaunting color. I don’t know if this is a performance without confidence. I don’t like being noticed since I was young. I don’t like living in others’ gossips. I don’t like always being the handle of others’ words. When I associate with people and participate in group activities, I always don’t show up. The kind of people who don’t resist can’t blend in that atmosphere and enjoy the happiness they should have. I am like an outsider, looking at all this coldly, watching the happy smiles of my companions, listening to the hearty voices of my companions, I tried to keep a bright smile suitable for the time, but my heart was quiet, calm, I didn’t feel really happy at all. I didn’t regard myself as a member of this activity. I didn’t regard myself as one of the leading roles. I just put myself in the position of a spectator, I alienated myself. When writing novels, there are often many plots and ideas that I think are very good, but they are often stuck. Moreover, I have conceived them many times, it feels very good on the plot. I couldn’t figure out why it was! Now, I can’t say that I have fully understood why this is, but I know one of the most important reasons must be: I didn’t regard myself as the leading role, I didn’t blend in my own feelings, didn’t really and completely put myself into the consciousness as a leading role, and didn’t really express my love, I always want to watch everything from the perspective of a disk viewer. The emotion and heart of the protagonist in the novel can not be expressed completely, as if there is no soul and no consciousness of being the protagonist, even I can’t move myself. Style. My life is also such a bastard. He tried hard to treat himself as an invisible person without showing off and converging his light. He was polite to everyone, but he didn’t allow anyone to step over that cold defense line. As long as I do not participate, as long as I still face it with the calm of an outsider, I will not be hurt and I will not take any responsibility. However, similarly, as a price, my life for more than twenty years is as plain as water without any ripples, just like I have never existed in the past twenty years. I became a real invisible man as I wished. When I was in junior high school, because I didn’t compete for the ranking and didn’t care about my grades, no one regarded me as a competitor. I asked them if I didn’t understand in my study, and they explained to me absolutely patiently. In high school, because I didn’t care about having to go to a prestigious university, my teacher also had very low requirements on me, so I got enough free time to read my favorite books. When I was in college, I didn’t like scholarship, but only wanted to pass long live. Therefore, my classmates were willing to share the exam materials with me. I didn’t threaten anyone’s competition. I really enjoy this kind of peace, no one is hostile to me, no one is looking for me. However, when I found that my junior high school classmates met each other, I couldn’t remember who they were. My senior high school classmates met each other, but they were strangers. My college classmates, except for the necessary contact with the three people in the dormitory, there is no other connection. I feel like I am alone in this world, down to earth, looking up to the sky, standing alone and hanging in the shadow, at such a moment, I felt panic and my mind was on the verge of collapse! And this kind of situation appeared more than once or twice. The world in the novel is the world that the author wants to show. It doesn’t matter if the protagonist has no soul or consciousness. Everything is just for entertaining readers. However, real life is not like this. The real world is not created for someone. The real world belongs to all human beings. Everyone, no matter whether he or she has beauty, high IQ, a good life experience or a good character, he or she is his or her the protagonist in his or her life doesn’t care whether he or she is willing or not. Only if you regard yourself as the leading role, all actions are from the heart, and you can show your charm from the heart, instead of escaping and hiding your light. I believe, this kind of life will be really beautiful! I don’t know how to change my life. I just plan to try orange skirts or red shoes from tomorrow. Maybe it will match my white skin color very well; or, I can buy a doll head writing pen of kawaii which I have always appreciated but tried my best to ignore; Besides, there should be some slight changes in the plain diary to make life show what it should have been!

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